the black cocaine

My Girlfriend, Zooey Deschanel.

July 21st, 2009


We do it.

I would like you to meet my girlfriend, Zooey. She is 30, two years older than me. She has a screwball name, but she was named after a book by J.D. Salinger. Please don’t make fun of her. I think she’s pretty, and that’s all that matters. You might know her from Once Upon a Mattress, or Elf where she acted with Ricky Bobby. She’s in an OK band called She and It with some douchebag named M. Ward. Despite all of this, she’s actually kind of famous. She starred in a movie with Cobra Commander, called 500 Gays in Summer.

Zooey and I have a lot of fun together. We make dinner together every Monday night, which is usually hot dogs and cheese. Every other Wednesday we go to the movies, and see some Hollywood dreck that she is not in, but occasionally some Hollywood dreck that she is in, because she’s famous and that happens sometimes. Fridays are our “special” night, which is where we lay out three pounds of cheese outside by the dumpster under the window, and when enough rats come around to eat the cheese, we pour a few gallons of melted wax out the window onto them, making little wax rat sculptures that we package up on Saturday and mail out to our family, friends and Ron Howard.

Sundays are really the best days, I think. That is the day when Pamela Anderson shows up at our door naked with a panda bear and gives it to us. Pamela Anderson leaves, and Zooey brings the panda bear inside and has sex with the bear in front of me in the living room for six hours. Then she takes a knife and slits the bear’s throat, smears the blood all over herself and the bear’s body and screams “WHAT’S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER?” Following this we have missionary sex in my parents’ bed for another two or three hours, and then have a cigarette. And that is how we get ready for church.

I’d like you all to meet her one day. We should go out to the Olive Garden.

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