the black cocaine

My Halloween with Robert Downey, Jr.

November 1st, 2009


he's in jail for the women

I was deep downtown at about 2:15 in the morning, and the bars were closed so I had nothing much to do: no money, no car, phone was dead, and I was pretty whacked out of my face on volleys of beer, tequila, whiskey, and “moonshine”, not to mention a bag of cocaine the size of my head. As I whirled about on the sidewalk, confused, bent, and crazy, this bus pulled up. This giant black bus with no windows pulled up to the curb I was balancing on, a deep red Vulture painted on the front. The door kershunked open right in front of me. I peered inside in a cartoonish fashion, wondering what it was. The bus driver was a man in a skeleton costume and informed me that he was going to take me to the Afterparty. I was like, “WOW, WELL THEN, SHEESH, DON’T MINDIFIDOOO. ” I was the only person on the bus so I was a little scared, and the driver turned out to be a real skeleton so that was weird. I asked him where the Afterparty was but he did not have a soul and therefore didn’t want to talk too much, and then I stopped bothering him. So the bus goes all through West Baltimore and I was getting worried because you know there are darker things than a bus being driven by a skeleton. But we made it through there alive and pulled up to a mansion. I mean a palace not a mansion. I could not believe how extravagant it was.

I thanked the driver and he kershunked closed the door as I stepped off the bus and entered the veranda, carefully checking my coat at the coat room and taking a hard candy from the sucker dish. The party was most indubitably in full effect, and the costumes were lavish, extraordinary, some even posh. I recognized no-one for a while, though I struck up an enlightening conversation on the subject of botanical diversity with a lion in a tuxedo. Suddenly, just as I was about to excuse myself to visit the lavatory, a violent hand struck my shoulder and my drink fell from my hand. “CHUCK!”, yelled the voice. It was none other than my old friend, Robert Downey, Jr. “CHUCK, HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX IN A REFRIGERATOR?” I was pleased to see the gentleman. “Ahoy there, old friend. Good to see you back from being a black person in that jungle movie. How’s life treating you?” “Don’t WORRY about that, Chuck!” is what he said to me. “I JUST HAD SEX IN A REFRIGERATOR WITH MICKEY MOUSE AND ZOMBIE MICHELLE OBAMA!” I decided not to question it, which you shouldn’t do with this man. “MAPLE SYRUP CAME OUT OF HER TITS. ” I sat him down on the couch and offered him a joint, one of the two that Hitler had handed me earlier. “You look a little frazzled, Chuck. You want to get fucked up?” he said. Another thing you do not do with this man is say no. “Of course, what have you got?” I replied. Suddenly, he ripped off his shirt to reveal a glowing device implanted in his chest. “Robert, ” I asked, “is that the prop ‘arc reactor’ from Iron Man? They let you keep that?” “PROP?” was his response, “What PROP? Who do you think Iron Man was written about? This shit is REAL. TOUCH IT.  It’s hot. See? This thing is keeping me ALIVE. Without it my HEART WOULD EXPLODE. ” I was astounded! “How does it work?” I asked. “It’s full of cocaine, ”  he said.

After catching up for an hour or so, Robert led me by the arm to the penthouse of the building. In this empty room, everything was either solid gold or red velvet. “Wow, ” I said, “this house continues to amaze me. To whom does it belong?” Robert looked at me. “You’ll find out soon enough. ” He showed me to a velvet couch, and joined me, the two of us facing the wide-open empty space in the room. After a few seconds of silence, the chandelier in the center of the room began to descend, along with the gold plate that I thought was holding it to the ceiling. Standing on this platform was Uma Thurman, wearing a pure white three-piece suit. When the chandelier was about to touch the floor, the ride stopped and Uma jumped off. Then the chandelier went back up into the ceiling. I was beside myself! I couldn’t help but utter, “Hi, Uma!”, to which she looked at me sharply, and said nothing. Just then a pulsating rhythm began to fill the penthouse, a tribal beat of some kind, getting louder and louder, and Uma looked over at a book case, which rotated then, revealing two white tigers which walked confidently out into the room with us.

I was scared! Robert had to calm me down. The tigers stalked Uma Thurman for a moment, and then one of them pounced. She skillfully grabbed it by the neck and twisted it, killing the beast instantly. What happened next is almost too grotesque to remember. Uma Thurman actually force-fed the body of the dead tiger to its brother, right there in front of us. It ate the whole thing. I threw up, and Uma just laughed. Robert was giddily clapping and cheering. Being forced to eat such a large meal actually killed the other tiger when his stomach burst open, spilling his guts and body parts of his brother everywhere. Uma cackled! Then she violently ripped off all of her clothes until she was standing there, panting, naked and sweating, and made eye contact with me- it chilled my spine. Then I watched in horror as she dove head-first into the bloody pile on the floor, delighting in the bath of gore. I hid my eyes. I couldn’t watch! “Chuck!” she yelled to me. “Chuck, watch! Watch this!” I couldn’t look. I began to sob. “No really, Chuck, you have to watch this!” she called to me. I slowly looked up to see her holding one of the tiger’s bloody eyes, and she began to sing, “it’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight, risin’ up to the challenge of our rival… ” at which point she promptly ATE THE TIGER’S EYE. I couldn’t take it anymore! I bolted up and yelled, “What is the MEANING of all this?! Why have you brought me here to witness this horrific ritual?” Robert Downey Jr. just turned to me and said, “Happy birthday!” Wow! He remembered! I looked toward Uma. “You were in on this, too?” I asked. She winked and replied, while chewing on the tiger eye, “ya didn’t think we’d forget your BIRTHDAY, did ya, kiddo?” And then Quentin Tarantino walked in with a cake. I was touched. My friends love me.

All in all it was a pretty decent party.  I also got the phone number from a girl dressed as a quarter.

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