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the black cocaine

“Shredder’s Day”

January 12th, 2010

a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fanfiction

by chuck
At the counter of a Papa John’s pizza delivery thing on some dirty corner in Manhattan, a phone rang.
“Papa John,” said the man.
“Hello, can I place an order for delivery please, ?” said Shredder.
“Whatcha want,” said the man.
“Can I please order a large pizza with pickles, peppers, pepperonis, pierogies, pineapple, parmesean, and penis” said Shredder.
“What?” said the man.
“Just kidding,” said Shredder.

Krang touched Shredder on his shoulder with his disgusting brain tentacle and said “Shredder, get them to put some poison on that, because it is for the turtles.”

“No.”

“Whatchu want,” said papa John.
Shredder said, “put some… put some gay porn… under the cheese.”
“What’s the address?” said the man.
“The sewer,” LOL’ed Shredder.

The game was on.

Meanwhile, back in the sewer, Donatello was deep in meditation in the dirty corner. He was meditating on how to break into the Technodrome and hack into their computers and disable their lasers. Then April O’Neill knocked on the door and his meditation was ruined.

When Donatello opened the door, April was panting because she was out of shape. “There is something I have to tell you,” she said. “I’m pregnant.” Donatello was upset. He thought the baby was his.

The truth was that nobody would ever be able to tell whose baby it was, out of all the turtles. Because they all had the same DNA because of mutagen and because April was kind of a slut. “No,” she said, “it isn’t a baby turtle, don’t worry.”

Donatello was confuse. “Then what is it?” he asked.

“It is a baby rat.” Said April.

Then the door bell of the sewer rang and Raphael answered the door sarcastically. “What is it now?” he sneered. “Pizza” said papa John. “We didn’t order any pizza but give it to me,” said Raphael. He took it to the dojo where Leonardo and Michaelangelo were being taught virtues by master Splinter. “Here is some anonymous pizza,” said Raphael. Michaelangelo immediately just dug in because it couldn’t be poisoned at all.

Then they noticed the gay porn inside and pulled it out. They stared at it with their jaws agape. Splinter said, “now I am sure the baby isn’t any of yours you faggots.”

Meanwhile, back in the Technodrome, Krang was upset because he didn’t have a body. “Make me a body, Shredder.” he said. “Why” say Shredder. “Because I have a date, from match.com” said Krang. Shredder was thoughtful for a moment. He wants to help Krang get on with his life because he is only a disgusting little brain monster, but deep inside he is hurt because he wants to be enough for him that Krang doesn’t need to go on dates.

“I will make you a body,” sobbed Shredder. He called Radio Shack and ordered the parts.

“It’s going to need a dick,” warbled Krang.

“No it isn’t,” said Shredder, putting his foot down. Then they got into a really pathetic fight where Krang was slapping Shredder in the metal face with his sloppy tendrils and Shredder was slicing out Krang’s parietal lobe with his hand claws. Then Krang had a damaged limbic system and suffered apraxia and acute sensory impairment.

“This episode is getting cerebral,” said Bebop.

Meanwhile, back in the sewer, Splinter was trying to convince April to have an abortion, claiming that rats sometimes eat their babies, which April knew was not true because of the Discovery channel. “The only bad thing rats do,” said April, “is carry typhus.”

“I have typhus,” said Splinter.

“Rats,” said April.

Leonardo noticed the commotion and came into the room. He was starting to wonder why every fan fiction he was in was always about sex. Michaelangelo put his hand on Leonardo’s shoulder to comfort him. “Do you want me to give you a reach around” and then the show was cancel

The End <3

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