the black cocaine

Captain Picard is Not a Racist

March 27th, 2010


A Star Trek: The Next Generation fanfiction

Captain Picard was in his ready room one day, having a glass of chocolate milk to start off his day. It was very early in the morning and he was feeling tired because he was stupid and drank Earl Grey hot all night and it kept him up. “You would have thought that caffeine wouldn’t exist in the future,” he said to himself. Suddenly, he was rang up by his commander Riker. “Beep boop. Riker to Picard. There is an incoming hail from Star Fleet. Super high priority.” Picard got annoyed for a second but then he remembered his responsibilities. “Okay, number one. Put it through to my ready room.”

“Captain, with all due respect, this deserves the attention of all bridge officers,” Riker said. He was right, thought Picard, but if he wasn’t careful one of these days he was going to get phasered in the dick for this kind of thing. “I’ll be right in, number one.”
“All senior officers to the bridge,” monotoned the bald captain. The doors went swoosh, and Picard walked on to the bridge. Then Worf opened a channel. A beautiful woman in a red uniform filled the main view screen. “Admiral Briggs, what can we do for you today?” asked Picard. Admiral Briggs was played by Natalie Portman. Her smile widened. “Captain Picard,” she said to Picard, “a pleasure to see you again. How’s that old jackhammer running these days? Due for an oil change, yet?” She winked. Picard’s face became red. “I, uh, assume you’re talking about the Enterprise, of course,” he said. “No, I can assure you mister LaForge has her in full working order.” “I’ll bet he does,” winked Admiral Briggs.
Then, her smile became a frown. “I have an important mission for you, Captain. Reports are coming in from our base on Maximus IV that the Klingons are driving their ships too close to the base and playing their Klingon music really loud, as well as playing with their battle swords out in the street where all the rich Humans live and can see them and are getting scared. We need the Enterprise to fly over there and take care of this.”
“What do you expect us to do,” asked Picard, “are they breaking any laws?”
“No,” said Briggs, “but usually when Starfleet shows up they sort of scatter. Could you just fly over there and stand around with your phasers for a little while?”
“Captain,” said Worf.
“Not now, Worf,” said Picard. “Admiral,  may I ask again what the Klingons are doing wrong?”
“Captain,” said Briggs, “Humans put a lot of hard work into gentrifying Maximus IV, and we really don’t want the Klingons thinking they can just hang out there and play their music and drink Klingon Bloodwine in open containers everywhere. We need to put our foot down. Can you just fly over there for us?”
Captain Picard looked thoughtful for a moment. He looked at Commander Riker, but he was just displaying his usual dumb look because he never understands what is going on. I swear to god, thought Picard, I need to punch Riker in the mouth later. He looked back at the TV. “Admiral Briggs, the Enterprise is at your service. We’ll be happy to warp to over there and see if everything is in order. Picard out.” Natalie Portman’s beautiful face disappeared from the TV and it changed the channel to just the stars outside.
“Sir,” began Worf. Picard turned around to face his Klingon tactical officer. “I know what you’re thinking, Mr. Worf,” said Picard, “I don’t agree with it either. But I am not about to defy Starfleet’s orders when we haven’t been ordered to do anything but fly out to a planet and just hang out there. Besides, perhaps this will give us an opportunity to strengthen Human-Klingon relations.”
“I would like to strengthen some Human-Klingon relations, if you know what I mean,” said Counselor Troi. Riker looked at her sharply. “Is that what you want?” he said. “A little Klingon action? A big dick with ridges all over it?”
“Klingon dicks do NOT have ridges,” said Worf. “I wasn’t talking to you,” said Riker.
“Gentlemen,” said Picard. “We’ll not have any bickering on my bridge, understood?”
Klingon dicks actually do have ridges but Worf was circumsized by his Human foster parents.
“Ensign, set a course for Maximus IV, warp factor 7.”
“Aye, sir,” said Wesley Crusher.
“Engage,” said Captain Picard.
Outside, the big spaceship’s engines glowed blue and then the Enterprise shot off into the center of the screen and went “zzsshheeooop.”
“Captain,” said Riker, “I agree with the Admiral. Those Humans have worked hard to make Maximus IV a decent place to live again. What if the Klingons start moving in?”
“Then that is their right,” said Captain.
“It’s not right,” said Riker, shaking his head.
“That’s it,” said Picard.
“What’s it, sir?” asked Riker.
“Commander,” said Picard, “permission to act off the record.”
“You don’t need my permission, captain,” said Riker.
“Damn right I don’t”, said Picard, and he slugged him in the face so hard his stupid beard almost fell off. Worf began laughing a hearty Klingon laugh and pulled out his phaser. He shot Riker in the stomach and Riker fell to the ground.
“Mister Worf, that was excessive,” said Picard. Troi was gasping in horror. “It was set on stun,” said Worf.
“No it wasn’t,” winked Georgi LaForge.
“What, excessive, or set on stun?” asked Picard.
“Both,” said Geordi.

The next scene is just about Picard talking to Troi about his feelings. You know.

A few hours later, the Enterprise docked at the planet Maximus IV. Picard had to be careful in putting together his away team, so he selected Commander Data, Lieutenant Worf and himself. This is pretty much the standard away team that we always use, thought Picard, with the exception of Riker, who is in sickbay right now. He smiled to himself. Then he frowned and pressed on his communicator. “Picard to Doctor Crusher,” he said.
“Crusher here,” said Beverly.
“Is Riker concious yet?” he asked.
“Not yet, Captain,” she said. “You guys got him pretty good.”
“Do me a favor,” said the Captain, “switch his hands, so that his right hand is on his left arm and vice versa. That’ll fuck with his head.”
“This may be the future,” said Crusher, “but men are still assholes. I’m not doing that to a healthy Human being.”
“Then do it to Counselor Troi,” lol’d Picard. “Picard out.”

Then the transporters beamed them all down to the planet. In front of them, a group of Klingons was sitting on the stoop of a house just hanging around. When they saw the Starfleet officers, they began to stand up. “We have done nothing wrong,” said one of the Klingons. “Why does Starfleet send its police here?”
“I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the starship Enterprise,” said Picard. “We are not here to police anybody.”
“Then why are you here,” asked another Klingon.
Picard was silent. He obviously didn’t know what he was going to say.
“We are here,” said Data, “to inquire of you the location of a vendor of some quality hydro, or some good chronic, or perhaps a few ounces of some phat purple, so that we may get us some sticky-icky.”
The biggest Klingon stood up. “YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE, ANDROID,” he bellowed.
Picard was taken aback by the exchange. “That’s right,” he said. “We um, have come to make a purchase, or perhaps a barter of some kind.”
“WHAT WOULD A HUMAN HAVE TO OFFER US?” asked the big one.
Picard said, “well, that depends on what you have to offer us.”
“That’ll do,” said Picard.
Picard was thoughtful for a moment. Then he raised an eyebrow, and tapped his communicator thing. “Picard to the Enterprise,” he said.
“Riker here,” came the response.
Picard smiled really big. “Beam down Counselor Troi for me, Number One.”

The Klingons all smiled and started taking their pants off. And then Star Trek was cancel.


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