the black cocaine

Archive for the ‘Celebrities I Have Known’ Category

My Business Partner, Neil Patrick Harris.

Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

Rarely can a man reach the end of his life and be satisfied, looking back upon the landscapes, the ups and downs, the loves and losses, without having been, at some moment in that careening cinematic, his own employer. A few months ago I caught the business itch. I caught it bad. I got the […]

In the Shadow of the Centaur (with Robert Downey, Jr.)

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Traditionally, Sunday mornings are known in the Christian world as the Lord’s day, and as such, in absence of war or famine, should be enjoyed as days of no more than the most pleasant of toils in the eastern countryside of Ireland. Sundays are one of the grateful facilities awarded to those who do good […]

My Vacation with Oprah Winfrey.

Friday, June 4th, 2010

It is not often that I am able to tear myself away from work these days. With my full-time job, and all the projects that I am involved in on top of that, I scarcely have even a Saturday afternoon to lie in the proverbial hammock and drink proverbial lemonade under the proverbial sun. A […]

My Date with Gwen Stefani

Monday, January 4th, 2010

Oh man, did I have a night last night, I’ll tell you. I went on a date with singer and sex icon Gwen Stefani. I can’t really tell you how I scored a date with Gwen Stefani, because I’m not altogether sure how it happened. I do sort of remember being at a celebrity party, […]

My Halloween with Robert Downey, Jr.

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

I was deep downtown at about 2:15 in the morning, and the bars were closed so I had nothing much to do: no money, no car, phone was dead, and I was pretty whacked out of my face on volleys of beer, tequila, whiskey, and “moonshine”, not to mention a bag of cocaine the size […]

My Date, Portia de Rossi.

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Hello, waiter. I’d like you to meet my date, Portia de Rossi. I’ll be having the abalone spinach salad with croutons flambeau, followed by the white blood sausage and english muffin torte in a pristine silvery mudpuddle dressing while being simultaneously slapped, flicked, noogied, tickled, trousered, bathed in egg, tweaked, lambasted and electrocuted, and for […]

My Charge, Kirstie Alley.

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

The details by which Kirstie Alley became my charge are lengthy and boring, so it will suffice to say at the least that she was placed under my legal guardianship when God himself disowned her for becoming too enormous. Apparently some long running dispute whereas she would have eaten all the turkey, ham, biscuits, penne […]

My Partner in Crime, Robert Downey, Jr.

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

I want to tell you about my good friend and partner in crime, Robert Downey, Jr. Now I know you all are thinking that he is amazing, based on the sheer mass of his drug experience and of course being able to have a black accent in Tropical Thunder, but there are lots of things […]

My best friend, Shannyn Smith.

Friday, July 24th, 2009

I would like you to meet my best friend, Shannyn Smith. She also goes by the nicknames Shannabis, Nanner, Shanberry Juice and Grumpy Waittress. We first met way back in ‘02 at the goth club known as Club Orpheus. You know, back then it was legal to actually perform human sacrifice in the basement, and […]

My Girlfriend, Zooey Deschanel.

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

I would like you to meet my girlfriend, Zooey. She is 30, two years older than me. She has a screwball name, but she was named after a book by J.D. Salinger. Please don’t make fun of her. I think she’s pretty, and that’s all that matters. You might know her from Once Upon a […]

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